1:1 Guidance and group support for caregivers
The Unexpected Caregiver Support Group Program ®
PLEASE email me if you would like to order a packet or receive a sample--kb@unexpectedcaregiver.com
The Basic Packet of support group materials is available for $29.95.
It includes:
- Tip sheet for moderating a successful support group, including on-line considerations
- Group script to guide each meeting
- 12 Discussion topics with suggested questions
The Unexpected Caregiver Support Groups are designed to help meet the need of family caregivers seeking regular support on their caregiving journey.
Besides support from Kari, groups receive a facilitator’s guide, discussion topics, and tips. The intent is for groups to meet weekly, for 45 min-1 hour, providing a safe place for family caregivers to vent, ask questions, and seek support from people in similar situations.
These groups provide tools and discussion topics to help family caregivers become smarter caregivers, but the primary goal is that of emotional support. Much like the model of Alanon, these groups are a peer-to-peer interaction–in person or virtually.
These are safe spaces. Whatever is shared in the group, remains with the group.
Each meeting begins with an individual check in, allowing participants to share where they are, without receiving comments, suggestions, or feedback. Following check in there is a discussion topic led by the facilitator with participation encouraged.
For more information on how one group developed and grew, read an article written by a journalist student at St. Olaf College.
For a history on the previous grant that led to the development of the support groups and to learn about the evaluation process used (Q Methodology), The Family Journal published our findings: “Determining the Various Perspectives of Caregivers of Aging Adults With Q Methodology”
S.A.N.E. Method
Learn how you can carve out time for self-care and feel Supported, Appreciated, Not Guilty, and Energized
Supported
Supported means turning the phrase “I’m here for you” inward. I do this on my daily walks or when I’m getting ready for the day. It’s a little weird at first, but it feels so dang good to hear positive words in your own voice vibrate through your whole body. Give it a try!
Appreciated
Instead of waiting to be thanked, find ways to Appreciate your own efforts. Make a list of all you do for your care receiver. Look at the list and give thanks that you are able to do those things for another. Read the list aloud and let all you do really sink in.
Not Guilty
Not Guilty means giving up feeling like you’re not enough, not doing enough, not giving enough. These are real feelings, acknowledge them but dwell on them. A much kinder thing to do for you and your loved one is to let them go. Focus on what you have and are doing.
Energized
When you feel Supported, Appreciated, and Not Guilty, you can more easily feel Energized, no longer agonizing over whether or not I did this or that “right.” Family caregivers receive no training and need creativity to do this kind of work. Recharge your energy levels by engaging your brain and body.
Areas Of Expertise
1:1 Guidance
Wouldn’t it be nice to have someone to talk to about giving care—someone other than your sibling, your colleague, or your hairdresser? Schedule a 1:1 session with me and I will listen and give advice only if you ask for it.
Frustration Management
Learn how to avoid emotional triggers that keep you on the edge of anger. Let me help you come up with a plan to give care, while helping you keep your sanity… but not at the cost of your sanity.
Self-Care
Learn how to avoid emotional triggers that keep you on the edge of anger. Let me help you come up with a plan to give care, while helping you keep your sanity… but not at the cost of your sanity.
Communication Skills
Families can push each other’s emotional buttons. I can help you understand how to better communicate with family members in order to get things done.
Family Meetings
Getting everyone on the same page with a loved one’s care is vital. I have led numerous family meetings, helping steer your family clear of emotional drama and get to what needs to be done.
Mental Fitness
Forgetting is normal. Not remembering how to tie your shoe is concerning. Let go of worry and work with me to create a mental fitness program for your parents or for you.
Freequently Ask Questions
We aren’t trained to be family caregivers, and many of us don’t know what to expect as we age.
No question is out of bounds. The following are common questions I hear:
However healthy or not healthy your relationship with your parents, the word, “owe,” doesn’t fit with caregiving. Just as parenting our parents implies an unequal relationship, owing someone implied inequality, too. Caregiving is a two-way street. You give care because a parent or loved one needs help and can’t function on their own. What you receive back is up to you.
It’s not unusual that the bulk of parental caregiving duties fall on one child. If you have siblings, it can seem like an uphill struggle to get them to pitch in. What were your family dynamics growing up? Did everyone help around the house, or did some of your brothers or sisters prefer to hang out with friends outside of the home? Keep in mind that people do not change their behavior just because a parent needs care. Try to have open conversations with your siblings and ask them how they would like to help. You may also want to hire an outside professional to help lead a family meeting, with the goal of getting everyone on the same page. Lastly, find a trusted support person or group where you can let go of your anger towards your unhelpful siblings.
This is not true. We forget—everyone does—but memory loss is not a normal part of aging. Dementia is an umbrella term for loss of memory & other thinking abilities severe enough to interfere with daily life. If you experience your loved one not being able to complete tasks they easily handled earlier, or not able to finish a sentence without stumbling, or they don’t remember that they wear glasses, let alone what the glasses are used for, it’s time to see a doctor, preferably a neurologist.
It’s about carving out small moments of time when you can re-charge. This can mean anything from a quick phone call with a supportive friend, to a longer walk outdoors. If you can’t leave your loved one, can you have someone sit with them for 30 minutes while you run to your favorite coffee shop? Brainstorm ideas—write down things you enjoy and miss doing. Then ask someone to help you make time to do something kind for yourself every day. I know this seems like an impossible task; I really understand. Caregiver exhaustion is a real thing. You can literally wear yourself down and then, you’re no good to your loved one… or to your friends and family. If you need help with this, please get in touch.
There is no one answer to this, but what I can say is that most people wait a year or two too long. I’ve experienced so many families who thought, “Okay, now is the time for Mom and Dad to move into independent living….” When in reality, Mom now needs memory care and Dad needs assisted living. Try having the conversation with your parents often and gently. Ask them what is important for them. Listen, and then listen some more. If you can understand what concerns they have, you can open up the conversation to options they may have. I’ve been on many phone calls with families to help noodle this one out. I also write about this in The Unexpected Caregiver. Let me know if I can help.
When I wrote the new, expanded edition of The Unexpected Caregiver, I included a chapter on dating and intimacy: “I will never forget where I was and how I felt when my dad informed me that he had asked a woman out on a date. A date?” And thus began a whole new experience for me. It was very strange at first, seeing my dad hold hands with another woman (other than my mother, who died not quite a year earlier). Love in later life looks different, but it is still important. Be interested in their journey. They may be feeling awkward and unsure. Read the book Late Life Love by Connie Goldman to better understand your parents in their later years.
Your parent’s pet may be the one being that brings them a regular, daily dose of joy. The real question here is about the pet’s well-being (is it being neglected?) and the safety of your parent (are they tripping over the pet, for example?) Pets help lesson loneliness, isolation, inactivity, depression, and so much more. I understand that you may feel your parent is not caring for the animal the way you would, but please, don’t just take their pet away without a discussion. If there is dementia in the picture, this changes everything. Reach out if you want to discuss this with me.
This is probably one of the most common questions I get, and the conversation is often one-sided – like when you were 17 and tried to convince Dad you would be so, so careful with the car. This isn’t about scolding your parents. Or parenting your parents, either. It’s about helping them make a decision that’s in their best interests – and may have life-or-death consequences for others.